Posted in senseless musings

Sometimes the Sadness Takes You Under.

It’s not that you really have a problem, it’s that there’s a voice in the back of your head (always, waiting, patient) telling you that there should be, that you are the problem.

It’s not that you’re sad all the time, is that you could be.

It’s not that my lungs are filled with water, it’s just that I can’t easily breath most of the time. It’s that I trained myself to think ‘this is fine, this is okay’ about everything and anything because that is easier than always being angry.

Sad and angry are just two sides of a dice.

It’s not that I have depression, it’s that I tend to have depressive intrusive thoughts.

It’s not that I want to live another life, or that I want to die, or that I want to disappear, it’s that it’s easier to waste hopes and dreams away thinking about other universes, other choices, other me. It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about fragile bones and sweet onion skins being torn apart by anger and sadness.

I am sitting here, in bed, waiting, listening. I am still here, after all these years. I am never changing. I am never becoming anything other than what I am now.

I am wasting, wasteful, wasted.

I am not always happy and not always sad. I don’t always make myself happy, but I can always make myself sad.

I will never amount to anything. I will always be here, in this bed, thinking of other universes, impossible futures. I will picture the exact way my heart could be broken, how blood tastes in the back of my mouth. I will ask myself questions with no answers and pinche myself every time the dream gets too real.

I wish anxiety ran through my veins the way blood does. I wish it paralyzed me. I wish it hurt me.

I wish I had a better brain. I wish I were a better person.

I wish I didn’t run away from everything. I wish I could care more than I do.

I wish I didn’t play the victim.

I wish sadness wouldn’t take me under every other day. If you want me so much, then just finish the job. Consume me. Grab me. Sink me into an ocean of darkness and fear. Don’t just take me when it’s inconvenient. Take every day and night, every second of every hour of my life. If I’m going to be sad then let me be sad all the time.

Don’t just touch me. Kill me.

 

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Posted in Personal Blogging

Family Celebration

Hi there!

So I guess this is one of those posts that I’d promised I’d post someday and then I didn’t and then something happened and the post ended up being something it wasn’t supposed to be.

I am not here to share a funny story as I often do. I’m here to vent.

I know the chances of anyone actually reading this are very slim, but that comforts me. This is not here for the benefit other people. This is here because there were words in my head that needed to not be in my head. At least for a little while.

So if you’re here, for any reason, looking for a funny story… don’t read this.

Continue reading “Family Celebration”

Posted in Personal Blogging

Life Update.

Hello!

Clearly I didn’t die this 18 de Septiembre, yay! And to be honest I didn’t do much drinking either.

We celebrated my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary the way every Catholic  countrysided (is that even a word? Why did that sound better in my head?) Family does. They renewed their vows in front of a priest and what I’m sure was only about 40% of our actual family and then a had a party. Now if you knew anything about my family you would know that it ain’t a party until at least one aunt is shitfaced and there are at least two people fighting and one has left because they felt “left out and like they are the scum of the earth”… well, check, and check, and check.

But that’s a story for another oversharing day. This is just a general life update.

Mhhhh… what else is new?

Oh, yeah. I got together with some friends and we spent a truly embarasing amout of time singing Hamilton songs and planning our futures (daunting I know)… we also discussed gender policies and the problems of Chilean Queer organizations… something that apparently always happens. We just wanna change the world guys! It’s not that big of a deal!

Oh! My computer died, that’s new. Although, not really since it had been dying for a while now. Oh, and I got a new phone… so there’s that.

I’m also thinking about adding more content to this blog? Because it does say “A blog about life, writing, and avoiding responsibilities” and so far I’ve only done a little bit about some and like, random poetry posts every now and then? So I should probably be more consistent and maybe have a schedule… like Secondary Sundays…

Now since most of my weird and creepy poems were lost with my computer I will probably not be posting any of those for a while. So bear with me for a little while as I try to get everything in order.

I should probably edit this blog a little bit as well, since it’s still pretty shity.

Well, that’s all for now I guess.

Expect updates as the week goes on… Or maybe not.

Who knows?

Hint: not me.

-L

Posted in Personal Blogging

I’m Feeling Patriotic

Okay, not really. But I’m Chilean! and it’s September! so we have to partypartyparty and celebrate for the first time in the year (unless there was a particularly good football match) that we don’t hate our country.

Disclaimer: We do hate our country. We hate many things about our country. In general we hate many things.

Warning: Do not read this if you’re emetophobic.

Continue reading “I’m Feeling Patriotic”

Posted in Poetry

Pedestal

I’ve built myself a pedestal, so I can stand tall and high

It’s mostly made up of stories,

(Though there’s also some pretty lies).

It was easy to climb it and even more to look down from.

See, the words help you drown out sounds,

people and places; memories of things that hurt.

 

So that when you look down,

you can only see the memories

Of the time you created the lie.

There’s no way you’ll get hurt up there,

Words are yours to take, no one can hurt you

If you’re standing high up in the air.

 

But words make us prisoners

And sometimes they’re enough to take us down.

Just tell me a word,

Just one word.

 

And if that seems impossible a simple sentence will do,

And drag me down from my ankles to the cold reality of the ground

Remind me in one sentence what it means to survive

Gag me with new words and teach me their meaning

Show me the pedestal was worthless.

Show me the truth in human kindness.

L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

Keeping Track

Hello again!

(Do not be fooled, the fact that I’m writing today doesn’t mean this will be a daily thing… it’s just that I haven’t quite figured out a schedule for these)

So, as I mentioned in my previous and first post, I am shit at keeping track of things. I have a terrible memory for important things (but excellent for the things that don’t count. To quote Oddysseus in Madeline Miller’s The Song of Achilles (2011) “Useless information is my curse, I’m afraid.” (147)

NOTE: Four years of college have made me terrified of misquoting and being accused of plagiarism.

Continue reading “Keeping Track”