Posted in Personal Blogging

Moving on, and on, and on.

Hi, everyone.

So, I’m back. I already said that, didn’t I? 

This post is to let you know what will be happening in the next couple of weeks, months, maybe years. You all know me, fickle, untrustworthy, lazy, and just an overall shitty human being.

So, I have a couple of pots that have been on the back burner, a.k.a. Drafts, for a couple of months (you know, since March) and I’m going to post all of those in the following days/weeks, just to get all of that out of the way. Some of the posts were written at a weird time in my life (because emotions suck) and so they are not *the best* I have ever done, but I’m attached to them and I feel that publishing them is the right thing to do.

After that, I will probably drop some of the “Sections” of this blog, at least for a while. And I will carry on posting new stuff, like actual blogging maybe, and poems, or stories. Time will tell.

I started another blog recently, and that’s where I’m going to be posting Book Reviews because I actually enjoy writing them, and I want to challenge myself to do it seriously.

For that, I have joined Net Galley and have acquired a couple of books that I’ll be reviewing soon. I know if there’s anyone reading this you will be like “Really? Another promise you can’t keep?” But I actually think I’ll manage to do this.

So, yeah. I’ll keep this site up because it’s actually a nice place for me to come and vomit words at the unknown without the pressure of other people finding it and knowing it is me (even though I have actual pictures of myself in here). And it actually works as a way to rant about things I’m working on (I’m finally writing again! Creatively! Yay!), and it’ll be fun to look back on how I’ve changed through the months.

So yeah, thanks for the patience, for reading, or just for stumbling upon this.

All the love, -L.

 

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Posted in Personal Blogging

16/23

I will start by saying that I don’t love you anymore, not even a little. I want to get over you, and stop writing you songs and poems.

In my heart, I know it is over. I know it never was. But it is my broken head, that is just now realizing this entire journey we missed out on through the years.

This is not an open letter, this is not a monologue, this is not a poem, this is not a song. This is just me trying to get something off my chest and off my head, so I can finally move on from this.

But you see, the problem is that I was never allowed to acknowledge these feelings before. I didn’t have an “Oh!” moment where everything made sense and all the bullshit I put us through made sense. I only had that moment years after I broke my own heart through stupidity and naivety. And now I’m supposed to deal with a crush that’s been dragging behind me for years, without me being able to see it. This is the phantom limb of a surgery I was never aware I went through.

So I am writing this now, so I can stop bringing you every step of my new narrative. I am trying to take myself back from the loop it’s been stuck on. But how can I, when 23 is still one of my lucky numbers?

This is the point when I realize that nothing was ever something, that the salt and the sea, and the tears and the blood, they didn’t mean anything at all. Not to you, not to me. But they were there long enough to become the insinuation of something.

This is where I finally allow myself to let go.

You know I allow wounds to fester and I hold onto the anger and pain. And I know it’s because that’s all I was ever allowed to have. But not anymore.

I am no longer the scared bee, attacking anyone who dared to come closer, betraying and fearing betrayals. I am no longer honey, sickly sweet, and sticking to whatever I was allowed to touch. I am not even pollen, tacky and harmful to some, musky and sweet.

Today I am me. And honestly? There is no one else I’d rather be.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

Hi

 

Whoever’s reading this, hi! I’m back.

So I’ve been gone for a while, and A LOT of things have happened since the last time I updated this blog, and I’m not sure I’ll tell you all about it. I know I’m prone to oversharing, but this one time… I don’t know.

I guess I’m in a really weird mood as of late.

So I guess, I’m not going to tell you everything, and I’m also not going to make any promises about what’s coming because I wasn’t even good at keeping them when I was feeling fine.

Okay, so, here’s a list of things that have happened:

  • I didn’t get the scholarship to study abroad. I felt really bad about it for a while, I cried and cried until I purged it all out of my system. I don’t feel bad about it anymore because I can see how it might actually be for the best since I’ll have more time to save money and all that shit.
  • Jenna and I are talking now. It’s still a bit meh and I don’t think it will ever feel the way it did before. This doesn’t hurt anymore either.
  • Bee is leaving! yay! Bee had decided very early on that she would not apply for funding because the scholarship Jenna and I were applying to (oh, she didn’t get it either) demands that you come back to Chile afterwards, and Bee wants to try to get a job there.
  • We spent a week at the beach (Jenna, Bee, and some of Bee’s friends) last month, and it was fine.
  • My cousin that tried to commit suicide earlier this year has been on this quest to lose weight for a while, and now she’s lost too much and refuses to eat the way she should now. We actually caught her vomiting after she ate some normal servings, but she denied she had any problems.
  • I’ve not had the best of luck finding a job, mainly because everything available is in Santiago and I live pretty far away.
  • I’ve not been writing that much.
  • I have discovered I’m Bitty from Oh My God Check Please! because I too deal with stress by baking. I have perfected cinnamon rolls and cupcakes, and I’m looking forward to making more elaborate treats.
  • I put too much sugar on some cinnamon sugar cookies and they are uneatable!
  • I am crafting and I suck at it!

And I guess that’s all for now.

I might come back later and talk to you again. I might not.

I’m sorry.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

A Shorter Note

I cut/trimmed my nails because I broke two the other day and writing with short nails on a phone keyboard when you’re used to long nails is the fucking worst ever. I keep tapping the wrong button every time I type. I’m used to writing with the side of my finger because my nails stopped the rest of my finger from touching anything… And now when I type like that my entire finger just jams whatever the fuck it wants and sometimes not even autocorrect can figure out what the hell I just attempted to write.

That is to say, I just typed that last post on my phone while in my bed, crying like the pathetic excuse of a human being I am. So if I missed any typos, sorry but my eyes and hands are not being very cooperative.

-L.

Oh, ps: if anyone I know in real life is reading this, “hi! Don’t ever mention any of this to me or I’ll probably die of shame.”

Posted in Poetry

Above it All

Above it all,

I am a coward.

And I don’t mean it because the dark makes me breathless

Or because my brain conjures up

A thousand and one ways I could die.

 

I’m a coward because I cannot face my flaws.

I’m terrified of losing people

And because of that I keep them at arms-length.

 

I don’t like being reminded of my flaws,

I don’t like having flaws.

I don’t like second and triple and octuplet guessing my every move,

And hurting people because of that.

 

I’m a coward because I hurt you

Because even now I can’t explain why

Can’t talk about how tight my chest gets

How stupid I am for forgetting it all.

 

And I can’t even say I’m sorry.

-L.

 

 

Posted in Poetry

Fragments

I know that life and circumstances

Have made you into who you are,

Pushing pieces and shrapnel until they fused into a weapon.

 

I understand that you are a part

That you’re not whole

And what it costs for you to exist fractured as you are.

But it’s hard to love like you do.

 

Pulling and pushing and tearing

You turn everything into shrapnel

Mincing and grinding the world into something you can understand.

 

Because possession and desperation are not love,

Cannot be.

Should not be.

But that is how you hold onto things.

 

You sink claws and teeth

Until there’s nothing left

Until there’s just you and your poison

Coursing through a tired system of lies

Whose only crime was to try to love like you.

 

Buy who could love like you?

Who could love you when you think love equals pain?

 

And I understand that circumstances shaped you

In part

Into who you are.

 

But I also know that the ocean can soothe marks on the sand.

It can erode the sharpness out of rock and shattered glass.

 

You never had someone teach you how to not be glass,

But you held an ocean in the palm of your hand.

 

It didn’t drown you,

You wouldn’t let it.

But you consumed it.

 

You made it impossible to love you

By poisoning the waters that were made for healing and soothing.

You drowned in bitterness the one thing that could hold your fragments together.

 

It is hard to love like you.

It is impossible to love you.

-L.

Posted in Writer's Block

An Excuse

This isn’t an update. This is an excuse.

A long one.

Yeah, you see what I did there? ha!

So I’m done being pitiful (refer to my previous post for an explanation about that) and now I’m being a dick.

So you probably noticed (I mean if you are one of the 5 people who constantly read my Secondary Sundays) that I’ve not updated in a while. And yes, I know I said that was due to plot reasons. And the first time it was.

Now I have two shitty excuses for my lack of updating:

  • My computer fucking died again.

Should I get a new one? Probably, but I’m not swimming in cash around here and I have to save money first, so D:

And yes, I had the arcs mapped out in a notebook and some snippets of stories in a google drive. Buuuuuuuuut I’m an annoying person and (I don’t know if anyone feels like this about their writing) I don’t like losing things! Even if I end up changing everything from the preliminary drafts, if I don’t use that preliminary draft I feel like something is missing. I don’t know, but it feels like it could’ve somehow been better? Like whatever I wrote first is infinitely better than anything I came up with afterward.

So yeah, I suck.

  • March has been kicking my metaphorical ass.

Yes, yes I know: But Laly you haven’t updated since at least mid February! You promised to be better and have another story by now! 

Well, I suck.

And March has been kicking my ass since mid February. Since February, 16th to be precise.

My brain is just a mess and I’m very jittery all the time, to the point that I annoy myself.

I am working on all three projects right now and I’ll update as soon as possible. With the Paranormal stories I don’t mind posting them all together, since they are basically chapters of a story, but Secondary Sundays, because of plot, must be updated once a week. I might break that rule and post two SS together this weekend, or not. I will see later.

And those were my two excuses! Sorry about being shit and all the delays. I can’t promise I’ll become Ms. Responsibility from now on, but I can assure you that I feel immensely guilty about it all 😀

-L.