Posted in Personal Blogging

A Shorter Note

I cut/trimmed my nails because I broke two the other day and writing with short nails on a phone keyboard when you’re used to long nails is the fucking worst ever. I keep tapping the wrong button every time I type. I’m used to writing with the side of my finger because my nails stopped the rest of my finger from touching anything… And now when I type like that my entire finger just jams whatever the fuck it wants and sometimes not even autocorrect can figure out what the hell I just attempted to write.

That is to say, I just typed that last post on my phone while in my bed, crying like the pathetic excuse of a human being I am. So if I missed any typos, sorry but my eyes and hands are not being very cooperative.

-L.

Oh, ps: if anyone I know in real life is reading this, “hi! Don’t ever mention any of this to me or I’ll probably die of shame.”

Posted in Personal Blogging

Brief Update on the Jenna Situation

Hiya!

So it’s been a while (update wise) and I wanted to drop by and just… Vomit words in here.

Some of you might have read one of my posts about fighting with one of my dearest of friends, Jenna. So I already explained all of this and how it was my fault and I totally accepted that she needed time to heal. You also probably read my super long and super whiny post about what friendship means to me.

So this is me being whiny again because I’m kind of collapsing in on myself and there’s not really someone I’d feel comfortable sharing this with. Also let’s be Honest, chances are no one is actually reading this right now. So this is just for me to look back on, and possibly delete.

So Jenna is still mad at me. She has been mad for over a month. Which again, it was my fault and all that, but still. More than a month. Holy shit, right?

Whatever, I still talk yo her from once in a while in the hopes that she will, you know, forgive me. Well, that’s not worked out too well for me. First time I did after our fight she ignored me until the next day. I talked to her at like 2 PM, she read the message and then replied to me the following day at like twelve. I thought she was busy and didn’t pay much attention to it. Then I kept talking to her through WhatsApp and she always replied a while after, very short answers and didn’t like carry the conversation on any further. Nothing like our past conversations.

She had not once talked to me.

Then I asked her if she could meet with me (I live super far away and have to travel 3 hours to meet with my friends so I always have to plan who/when/where I meet in advance) and she said no (she had prior engagements) and I said ‘oh, it’s okay. Let me know when we can meet.’ She said sure and then didn’t talk to me.

Now whenever I talk to her she answers with one word and then stops talking. I commented this with someone and they said it could be because we both feel like we are a nuisance to other people and me not telling her that thing before made her feel more like that. And I thought, yes! That could be it! I will keep talking to get to show her I love her and I love talking to her, and I miss her.

By this point I was still hopeful and honestly? I was still the dog I mentioned in an earlier post. If she replied I’d be over the fucking moon because I really do love her and I really do miss her like hell. I didn’t want to think that she would honestly throw me away so easily because of one mistake. I thought I was somehow worth more to her? She said I didn’t know her, and I think I don’t. But maybe she doesn’t know me either if she can think that I’d do something like that maliciously.

I didn’t want to be mad at her. Fuck knows I’ve spent too long mad at people. And I didn’t want to be mad at her because I knew I was in the wrong, that I hurt her. And it would be unfair to get mad at her for something I deserved. If I got mad at her, then I’d be playing the victim, I’d be downplaying what I did to her and making it about me, like she was the bad one. But she wasn’t! It was me!

Then I read something about the tragedy of relationships in modern society, how you could see them being played out in social media. And I thought ‘wait, Jenna and I haven’t interacted in Twitter for a while’ (February 12th, I checked). And it turns out that at some point, she unfollowed me. I thought well, it’s not a big deal. Twitter has been unfollowing people for me in a while. So I replied to something she had said, and she favorited it but didn’t follow me again…

Yeah I know how I sound. Insane and stupid. And yes, I do feel that way. But… I don’t know. I can’t help but being hurt by it. And with the not talking and the unfollowing (she recently unfollowed me in Instagram as well, which is whatever since I don’t really use it that much) I guess this goes beyond her thinking that she’s a bother and more like she is being spiteful. And I don’t know how I feel about that?

To be honest I did cry myself to sleep a couple of times in the last month because of all of this. And I just don’t want this to get to a point where I get mad at her for being mad at me. I would honestly prefer if she just came forth and told me she’s still mad. Or that she will always be mad and she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I would 100% take that heartbreak over this stupid festering wound that attacks me at the worst of times. I’m back at being volatile and a mess. Sometimes I get super angry at her. Sometimes she makes me so sad I can’t breathe. Because she is one of the people that, without even knowing it, brought me afloat in a moment when I really, really needed it. She helped me believe in friendship and I don’t want to lose her.

I fucking love her and I hate myself for writing that first Secondary Sunday where I said I would forever lover her and my other friends, even if they stopped talking to me, because it’s true! And I can’t make it untrue! I want to go back to being who I was, jaded and broken and always in pain. I’d take that cynic version of myself back in a heartbeat if it meant I’d never have to feel like this again. Because I hate it.

And every second of it reminds me of what happened in the past. Of being used and manipulated and I hate it! I hate emotional manipulation more than anything in the world and when she shuts me out but still replies from time to time, when she ignores me and I still hope she will forgive me, i feel like the dog again. Like I never stopped being the dog. Like it’s all I will ever be, and I hate that version of myself. I hate her.

But then remember my other friends and how much I love them and how much they love me, and I don’t want to change back. Even if I’m tearing myself apart with guilt, self-hatred and hope, I still think it’s worth it. Even if everyone stops talking to me. Even if all my friends turn their back on me, I will carry on loving them, with parts and pieces of my body that don’t know how to do anything else but that. And Maybe, sometime in the future it will stop hurting and I will not get mad anymore. Someday those parts will smooth over and I will be able to breathe without crying again.

Maybe Jenna will forgive me. Maybe she won’t. I just wish she’d tell me, so I can stop wondering about it

To be fair I am being incredibly petty and whiny about all this (mostly in my head, cause I’m stupid and can’t control myself). I have liked every single one of her tweets (not like I didn’t do that before, but now I get a sense of sick satisfaction. Like if you really, really want me out of your life you will either have to block me or tell me to get out of it. Either way I’ll know) and talking to her, but… Well, things have yet to change.

Expect a new petty and whiny post in the future.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

An Update

Hello strangers from the internet.

This is not an excuse. This is an update.

A very small update.

So, March has been absolutely kicking my ass in a way I did not see coming. Mostly I know it’s all in my head. But the problem of having something in your head is that it distorts your view of the world and it feels like it’s real. Even more so if there’s vague but undeniable evidence of it being sort of real.

Yeah, I know what Dr. Strand would say, Apophenia “the tendency to perceive a connection or meaningful pattern between unrelated or random things (such as objects of ideas)”(According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Oh, Dr. Strand is a character from the podcast The Black Tapes.

So, yeah… I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. I think most of it has to do with being back home and away from my friends.

Friends. What a funny word for someone who didn’t believe such a thing was even possible for the longest time.

I do believe I have friends now but… well, this is where the fucked up things in my brain try to mess everything up.

The thing is that I remember.

I remember what it was like to have long stretches of silence, only broken by unkind words. I remember what it felt like to be sitting in a room full of people, thinking, believing, that at least one of them was my friend, but no one talked to me. And I remember what it felt like when the person who shut me out, who ignored me and even talked about me behind my back, came back for me.

I remember what it was like, sitting there in the dark knowing that hers was the only hand I would ever get to hold. And I knew that she had power over me, that her hand was never freely given. I knew that her friendship had conditions (my silence and complacency chief among them).

And I remember liking it, and then not.

I remember harsh words, truths that had never being spoken. I remember the tears and the promise to never let this happen again.

Never again.

I remember how it felt to hold myself in a space so small it was a wonder that people could see me. But people who don’t like you can always see you. And they see right through you, right through lies and defenses, and they can hurt you.

I remember being hurt.

And I remember friendship like an alliance, a bond to keep each other afloat.

Nothing was ever sincere. We didn’t exist to share and be kind, but to form a shield against the world. But this friendship also had conditions (silence and pretenses).

We were okay.

To this day when we meet, we agree that we are okay.

But we were all made of different jagged pieces, and  I know that in another universe, without a broken heart I could’ve grown to love them… and maybe they could’ve loved me.

Friendship is not about who laughs with you, it’s about who laughs and then shares the world with you.

My world is terrifyingly small, plagued by shadows, and ghosts, and fears that not even I can understand.

I am terrifyingly small.

But I did make friends later on. I did share my world. And I gave myself away in between panicked breaths and broken pieces.

But I can still remember all that came before. I remember the tears and the pain, mistrust and being shut out. I remember thinking “Oh, this is how dogs feel, I guess.”

I remember she loved dogs.

And now I’m here, where present and past are being mixed together by a stupid brain.

I know it’s not the same but I still feel like somehow, I’m still the dog. Like you can talk to me, and call for me, and shut me out, and only pay attention to me when you please, and I’ll still be here.

I will always be here, because in this universe, in this broken version of myself I do love my friends.

And it’s not their fault, it’s mine. It’s my fucked up brain.

And I know (and hope) no one I know will ever read this, and that’s why I’m writing it here. I just wanted an excuse to be pathetic and pitiful, just this one time. Because when I talk things through, or say them aloud, they lose their power over me. Or, maybe I realize how silly I was being.

So, I guess this is my short essay of a life update: March is kicking my metaphorical ass, my friend (Jenna) is still mad at me, but I guess that is fine. I have to apply to a scholarship to be able to go away. My cousin is better than she was before. I have not self-harmed even though I wanted to. And I’m still looking for a job.

Yay.

-L.

 

Posted in Personal Blogging

Greetings from a Fuck Up (Me).

Hello, this is quite a different post than the one I’ve promised… But I doubt anyone’s really surprised about it.

So, I hurt someone, a friend. I’ve mentioned her before in here, Jenna.

I always hurt people, not because of a malicious intent but because of negligence or shitty ‘good intentions’. I’m writing this here because anywhere else I could’ve shared it, she would’ve seen it. And I don’t want to seem like I’m being pitiful to be forgiven. I accept that it was my own fault and that she retains the right to be on her own and forgive me in her own time and space.

I just feel better when I say things. And since no one I know reads these, I decided it was better to put it all in here, being pitiful, than let these thoughts to rot.

So here they are.

So what happened is this: I had told Jenna that I would see whether I could meet her for Valentine’s day to spend the day together since we’re both single. February the 14th is also one of my cousin’s birthday and we were planning on celebrating it.

My cousin couldn’t come in the end because of money issues (this is not really a good financial time for my family) and I couldn’t go to meet Jenna because of the same thing. Since I’m staying at my grandparents’ and have no reception/internet I was relying on someone’s portable WiFi to contact her… But the lines died in here for a whole day. Then I went to see if I had reception… And it turns out that I hadn’t paid my phone bill and the company suspended my service, so I couldn’t call her.

I couldn’t use someone else’s phone because everyone here has the same phone company and that was the service that had collapsed/died.

By the time the service came back it was well into the night. I had some messages from people that I replied, and like the absolute worst excuse of a human being/friend forgot to talk to Jenna to apologize.

And I thought that was strike one.

I completely admit my fault. Because I don’t mind when people don’t talk to me for days on end or something like this happens, I just assume everyone is like that. And I thought I could just apologize.

Yeah, I’m a dick.

So what comes next is that this had not been strike one at all.

I got accepted to the program I applied (as I mentioned I think on Monday?) And was super excited so I told my family (since I’m here and I see everyone every day) and shared it on one WhatsApp group… Jenna was not in it because it’s about a book some friends and I read and she hasn’t. After that I talked to my cousin (this was the day she tried to kill herself which wouldn’t happen for a couple of hours) and got distracted coordinating things that needed to be done in the house.

After this I got distracted with life and my cousin who had to travel with some friends during the weekend, so we needed to convince her mom she was okay to travel/would be fine with her fiends.

So I didn’t share the news with Jenna.

And she felt very, very hurt about it because I didn’t tell her something that made me very happy.

And again, this was my fault because no could have told her right away, before life went haywire but also because a part of me wanted to wait to tell her.

And here’s where things stop making sense unless you’re me and have a million and one issues with friendship/people.

I had noticed that Jenna always looked a bit uncomfortable when we talked about going away for the Masters program. It was a lot or that shed change the topic of conversation, it just seemed like she was a bit subdued. And since I have a million and one issues, I decided trying not to bring it up on conversation with her because I don’t like making people uncomfortable.

The thing is that she applied to London and two friends and I applied to Sussex. We were all excited to talk about things but I always felt guilty, like I was leaving her behind or I don’t really know. Turns out she didn’t really care and it was just my stupid brain seeing patterns where there were none.

She was more hurt about me keeping this from her than by me going off somewhere else.

And another friend (someone on the WhatsApp group) told her about it because she was happy for me and obviously thought I didn’t fail as a functioning human being and told Jenna the news…. That was on Wednesday. And I guess Jenna spent this entire time waiting for me to tell her.

And I didn’t.

So I don’t know how it looked for her.

So now when we were talking about it (through WhatsApp) and she told me she felt really hurt. I understood. But I also went and vomited a shitton of information on her, because yet again I fail as a human.

And I don’t know, maybe I thought I was being nice by sharing all the things I’d been keeping inside these couple of days (like the thing with my cousin, my failed job interviews, etc) when in fact I probably looked like, ‘see? I’m telling you things! I’m nice and share things!’

So yeah… Not helping my case.

In the end I told her she could take all the time she needed to forgive me (she said she accepted my apology but still felt hurt and needed time to heal).

My other friend talked to me and apologized for telling Jenna about my getting in. But she shouldn’t have to!

This whole thing wasn’t her fault.

It was mine.

I would never make someone apologize for something that is my fault. Something that I knowingly did.

I’m done avoiding and pretending I’m not hurting people. Because I did that in the past and I still regret it to this day.

I’m going to give Jenna all the time she needs to forgive me, no matter how long that is.

It hurts that I made her feel that way and that I know how stupid it was of me and how easily I could have avoided it.

But I guess it would not be me if I wasn’t making messes out everything.

So yeah. I needed to get this whole thing off my chest before I exploded and started whining to someone else in here.

Like I said, no one I know reads these and I truly enjoy screaming and crying to the void that is the internet.

Thanks for letting me vent.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

Life Update

Hello, lovely people of the internet.

Isn’t it funny how I keep pretending there’s more than one person reading these?

Hilarious.

Anyway, I’m here with a life update.

I will write a longer, more rambly (is that a word?) Post later on because you guys know I just looooove to blather on and on senselessly. But for now I just wanted to give a general update.

1) I got accepted into the Master Program I applied to in January!!!!!! Yesssss!!!!!

2) I’m still unemployed and looking for.a job.

3) I’ve been a dick to some people oops.

4) One of my cousins tried to kill themselves last week. They texted me my name and a heart as like a goodbye. I can’t receive hearts now because I get this sick feeling in my stomach.

5) They didn’t die.

6) I’m still staying at my grandparents’ place where I have neither reception nor internet… I don’t know when I’ll be going home.

 

As a said, a more detailed update will probably follow. But for now there’s just this.

Oh, and I will continue posting the stories in the schedule I set before.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging, Writer's Block

Check in Monday

Hi, there!

Welcome to 2017! And to me being a horrible, horrible person with my updates 😀

You probably saw my newest Secondary Sunday update, and you probably saw that it was a bit different.

So, narration wise the narrator of the stories has gone missing, or sent to reconditioning. This means that, for the forseable future the stories will be different and we’ll get so see insights from new characters.

I know I’ve been absent from this blog for a while. I’m currently staying at my grandparents’place in the countryside where I have no reception nor internet/WiFi so I’ve been out of touch. I know that’s no excuse and all.

Another thing that’s been happening in Chile is that we are currently going through the worst wildfire in history. It is slowly getting better with volunteer and international help, but people have lost everything. Santa Olga, a town, burnt to the ground during the night. People had to be evacuated during the day, and when they went back they realized they had nothing left.

It is terrifying and saddening to see and hear all of these stories. Where I am is not that bad, there are four fires on the hills a few kilometers away from our home but there are few chances of them affecting us.

We’re safe. But not everyone is.

I won’t use this as an excuse, I did not post things because of my own neglect, not because of the fires. But I thought you should know that this is happening right now.

On another note, one of the last check ins I wrote I said I was working on a new section for the blog and I have. Coming this week is the new section: Paranormal Tuesdays!

This new section will not follow the same narrative format as Secondary Sundays though it will be posted weekly like SS.

PT will be interconnected short stories that will introduce the daily ‘lives’ of paranormal investigators ‘Dennison Brothers & Co.’, unlikely grim reaper friends Sebastian and Ramona, and the Weekly Ghost Alliance attendees Milo, Eleonora, Lucas, and the group of moschiveous ghost that haunt everyday places.

Halfway through February and later on April I will have two new additions to the blog, but you will have to wait and see.

And that was today’s update.

I promise I will have new content posted from this week on.

-L.

Posted in Personal Blogging

Things I learnt After I Shaved My Head

If you’re new here, this is what I look like now:

Yeah, my hair grows ridiculously fast, I know. You can see the difference, and if I had put up a picture of what I looked like the first day you’d get a better idea… but I’m lazy and I already posted one.

I shaved my hair (a buzz cut) the first week of November, now we’re in December and I have like 1 1/2 fingers of length (I don’t know how you measure hair, so that’ll have to do).

I already shared some of my reasons to shave my head (like the fact that I had been thinking about it for a while) and how I felt after I did it. This post is a sort of update on the how-I-look kind of post, but instead of a trip down memory lane, I’m going to tell you a couple of things I’ve learnt or been made aware of due to my new hair style.

1. People will try to measure your femininity through the length of your hair.

It’s ridiculous, I know but it will happen.

When I first cut my hair off the first comments my family made were: “Oh, but you are so pretty!”, “I guess we’re going to miss your Instagram selfies.”, “Did you lose a bet?”, “Oh, you want to look like a boy.” and my personal favorite “Are you sure, because you’ll look ugly.”

Now, not all of those comments were exactly targeted toward my femininity, but they were all supposed to make me reconsider. Like I am pretty because of my hair kind of deal, and I was having none of that.

One time, a man leaned toward my face on the street to speak directly to my nose  “Is this a girl or a boy? I can’t tell.”

I mean, I was wearing a dress but little make up so…. I don’t know, I still found it incredibly disgusting and aggressive.

Oh, someone also asked me whether shaving my head was my way to come out as a lesbian (implying that lesbians are not feminine, which is bullshit…. also I’ve been out as a pansexual girl for a while now).

2.- Suddenly, the only thing you can wear are dresses and flowy things to remind the world that “holy shit you’re a girl!”

Okay, so this is not really a new thing in my family but it got more annoying with time.

I am usually told that I “look pretty in dresses” and that my aunts prefer it when I wear pretty clothes rather than jeans and plaid shirts.

I have been told before (by the asshole uncle Dean) that I dress like a raped boy, which, you know, kind of just makes you hate Dean even more than before. He also calls me a faggot sometimes… but you know, he’s just joking, right?! (fuck him).

Now if I wear anything remotely “not for girls” it’s like everyone loses their shit because “people will think you’re a boy!” and I honestly don’t give a shit? I can wear both, I can wear whatever makes me comfortable.

3.- People expect you to wear more make up to make up for you lack of hair, which is stupid.

Sometimes I wear make up, sometimes I don’t wear make up… sometimes I just wear lipstick or a bit of BB-cream. And that’s fine! make up is not for everyone. Wearing it doesn’t make you prettier or better than anyone. Not wearing it doesn’t make you prettier or better than anyone.

Make up is just make up, you know.

You do you.

A nice comment I got was from Bee who told me that now I had an excuse to do really dramatic eye makeup. Which, yeah… but there’s one problem Bee didn’t take into account… I can’t actually do my make up…. I suck at it.

Foundation + concealer + lipstick is pretty much all I do.

Do I look like a ghost? Hell, yeah I do.

Should I contour, maybe? Probably.

Do my eyes get lost and my eyelashes look weird? Pretty much, yes.

But that is how I live my life.

Disclaimer: I do sometimes attempt to do a more elaborated thing… and I fail.

4.- The “I shaved my head because the weather was too hot” thing, is a lie.

A filthy lie.

I got heatstroke from going outside on a super sunny day, without a hat.

You never know how much your scalp can burn under the sun (and this is coming from someone who actually burnt her scalp during Lollapalooza) until you have a shaved head and no one informed you that you need to wear hats. It’s not about accessorizing y’all. The pain is real.

So if someone ever tells you they shaved their head because of that, well yeah, their neck is a lot less hot, but now they gotta vampire their way around the world.

Not nice.

5.- Hats don’t slide off or slowly move from their position now.

The tiny, tiny sharp hairs in your very vulnerable scalp hold onto everything.

That means that if you’re like me (meaning that you push your hats/headbands to the weirdest positions so that they’ll slowly slide to the part of your head where you actually want them) you will end up wearing shit the wrong way.

Hats? pushed all the way to the end.

Hairbands? Uncomfortably close to your gigantic forehead and constantly colliding with all glasses.

6.- Playing with your tiny spikes stops being fun after a couple of days, a week tops (for me).

All I mean by this is that when you first shave your head, the spikes in you head are very stiff and it feels nice to pet your own head?

Oh, and other people pet your head too.

It’s nice… but also annoying after a while.

7.- I’m super vain.

Yeah, remember that person saying  I wouldn’t post more selfies on Instagram.

They were wrong.

I have a lot of feelings and thoughts about selfies and selfie culture and being shamed for it. I have decided that, fuck it, I’m gonna do whatever makes me happy and if anyone has a problem with that… well, sucks to be them.

I have sooooo many pictures of my face. 2014 me would grimace at the sheer amount of silly/ugly pictures I take from time to time.

But you know what? I like it.

I like my face.

And maybe some people would think this is weird of maybe they’ll try to shame me for it, but I spent a big part of my life not liking myself. So I’m just going to enjoy it now.

7.- My hair is so stiff and straight it won’t settle.

So, apparently my dad has a similar problem (whyyyy did I only get the bad stuff from him ie. mental hair, horrible dad jokes, and oily skin) and according to him, until I have longer hair (like two fingers of length) it just won’t lie down.

I don’t really mind it. But it does make me look weird.

8.- I will constantly miss all the versions I’ve been.

Now, this is not only about shaving my head. This was still true when I died it red and then did the ombre thing, then when I cut it off, bleached it, dyed it brown, bleached it again, etc.

Strangely, I don’t really miss my brown hair. I don’t think it’s because it’s a boring color (I love my brown hair and eyes) but because I don’t associate good times to that color. I wa still very shy when I had brown hair. Dyeing it red was the most adventurous thing I’d done and it felt amazing.

Then the next time I dyed it brown coincided with the program that killed everything I am (but taught me many things about myself), so I couldn’t really look back to those days fondly.

As I said, at the beginning of the year I would look at old pictures of myself and see how happy I looked and I’d feel like shit.

Now I can see that I didn’t look happy at all in pictures of that time. But I still miss that version of myself. I wish I had been kinder to her.

I just feel a lot of nostalgia.

I guess it’s because I am so used to holding onto things (ideas, jewelry, papers, you name it) that whenever I change something about myself it feels like the end of an era, like I will never, ever be that person again. It might be ridiculous, but in a way it helps me from time to time.

Bleaching my hair the second time around (more carefully this time) meant that I was done with the Teaching Program and I could just leave all of that behind. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

And now, when I shaved my head it was even more than that because I was doing something I had wanted to do for ages but had lacked the courage to do. I guess it mean that I was finally ready to step away from things I had been lugging with me for years. I could accept myself and just move forward into the unknown.

Or, I’m just over-analyzing this like usual. Who know.

-L.