So it’s been a while (update wise) and I wanted to drop by and just… Vomit words in here.
Some of you might have read one of my posts about fighting with one of my dearest of friends, Jenna. So I already explained all of this and how it was my fault and I totally accepted that she needed time to heal. You also probably read my super long and super whiny post about what friendship means to me.
So this is me being whiny again because I’m kind of collapsing in on myself and there’s not really someone I’d feel comfortable sharing this with. Also let’s be Honest, chances are no one is actually reading this right now. So this is just for me to look back on, and possibly delete.
So Jenna is still mad at me. She has been mad for over a month. Which again, it was my fault and all that, but still. More than a month. Holy shit, right?
Whatever, I still talk yo her from once in a while in the hopes that she will, you know, forgive me. Well, that’s not worked out too well for me. First time I did after our fight she ignored me until the next day. I talked to her at like 2 PM, she read the message and then replied to me the following day at like twelve. I thought she was busy and didn’t pay much attention to it. Then I kept talking to her through WhatsApp and she always replied a while after, very short answers and didn’t like carry the conversation on any further. Nothing like our past conversations.
She had not once talked to me.
Then I asked her if she could meet with me (I live super far away and have to travel 3 hours to meet with my friends so I always have to plan who/when/where I meet in advance) and she said no (she had prior engagements) and I said ‘oh, it’s okay. Let me know when we can meet.’ She said sure and then didn’t talk to me.
Now whenever I talk to her she answers with one word and then stops talking. I commented this with someone and they said it could be because we both feel like we are a nuisance to other people and me not telling her that thing before made her feel more like that. And I thought, yes! That could be it! I will keep talking to get to show her I love her and I love talking to her, and I miss her.
By this point I was still hopeful and honestly? I was still the dog I mentioned in an earlier post. If she replied I’d be over the fucking moon because I really do love her and I really do miss her like hell. I didn’t want to think that she would honestly throw me away so easily because of one mistake. I thought I was somehow worth more to her? She said I didn’t know her, and I think I don’t. But maybe she doesn’t know me either if she can think that I’d do something like that maliciously.
I didn’t want to be mad at her. Fuck knows I’ve spent too long mad at people. And I didn’t want to be mad at her because I knew I was in the wrong, that I hurt her. And it would be unfair to get mad at her for something I deserved. If I got mad at her, then I’d be playing the victim, I’d be downplaying what I did to her and making it about me, like she was the bad one. But she wasn’t! It was me!
Then I read something about the tragedy of relationships in modern society, how you could see them being played out in social media. And I thought ‘wait, Jenna and I haven’t interacted in Twitter for a while’ (February 12th, I checked). And it turns out that at some point, she unfollowed me. I thought well, it’s not a big deal. Twitter has been unfollowing people for me in a while. So I replied to something she had said, and she favorited it but didn’t follow me again…
Yeah I know how I sound. Insane and stupid. And yes, I do feel that way. But… I don’t know. I can’t help but being hurt by it. And with the not talking and the unfollowing (she recently unfollowed me in Instagram as well, which is whatever since I don’t really use it that much) I guess this goes beyond her thinking that she’s a bother and more like she is being spiteful. And I don’t know how I feel about that?
To be honest I did cry myself to sleep a couple of times in the last month because of all of this. And I just don’t want this to get to a point where I get mad at her for being mad at me. I would honestly prefer if she just came forth and told me she’s still mad. Or that she will always be mad and she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I would 100% take that heartbreak over this stupid festering wound that attacks me at the worst of times. I’m back at being volatile and a mess. Sometimes I get super angry at her. Sometimes she makes me so sad I can’t breathe. Because she is one of the people that, without even knowing it, brought me afloat in a moment when I really, really needed it. She helped me believe in friendship and I don’t want to lose her.
I fucking love her and I hate myself for writing that first Secondary Sunday where I said I would forever lover her and my other friends, even if they stopped talking to me, because it’s true! And I can’t make it untrue! I want to go back to being who I was, jaded and broken and always in pain. I’d take that cynic version of myself back in a heartbeat if it meant I’d never have to feel like this again. Because I hate it.
And every second of it reminds me of what happened in the past. Of being used and manipulated and I hate it! I hate emotional manipulation more than anything in the world and when she shuts me out but still replies from time to time, when she ignores me and I still hope she will forgive me, i feel like the dog again. Like I never stopped being the dog. Like it’s all I will ever be, and I hate that version of myself. I hate her.
But then remember my other friends and how much I love them and how much they love me, and I don’t want to change back. Even if I’m tearing myself apart with guilt, self-hatred and hope, I still think it’s worth it. Even if everyone stops talking to me. Even if all my friends turn their back on me, I will carry on loving them, with parts and pieces of my body that don’t know how to do anything else but that. And Maybe, sometime in the future it will stop hurting and I will not get mad anymore. Someday those parts will smooth over and I will be able to breathe without crying again.
Maybe Jenna will forgive me. Maybe she won’t. I just wish she’d tell me, so I can stop wondering about it
To be fair I am being incredibly petty and whiny about all this (mostly in my head, cause I’m stupid and can’t control myself). I have liked every single one of her tweets (not like I didn’t do that before, but now I get a sense of sick satisfaction. Like if you really, really want me out of your life you will either have to block me or tell me to get out of it. Either way I’ll know) and talking to her, but… Well, things have yet to change.
Expect a new petty and whiny post in the future.