Hello, this is quite a different post than the one I’ve promised… But I doubt anyone’s really surprised about it.
So, I hurt someone, a friend. I’ve mentioned her before in here, Jenna.
I always hurt people, not because of a malicious intent but because of negligence or shitty ‘good intentions’. I’m writing this here because anywhere else I could’ve shared it, she would’ve seen it. And I don’t want to seem like I’m being pitiful to be forgiven. I accept that it was my own fault and that she retains the right to be on her own and forgive me in her own time and space.
I just feel better when I say things. And since no one I know reads these, I decided it was better to put it all in here, being pitiful, than let these thoughts to rot.
So here they are.
So what happened is this: I had told Jenna that I would see whether I could meet her for Valentine’s day to spend the day together since we’re both single. February the 14th is also one of my cousin’s birthday and we were planning on celebrating it.
My cousin couldn’t come in the end because of money issues (this is not really a good financial time for my family) and I couldn’t go to meet Jenna because of the same thing. Since I’m staying at my grandparents’ and have no reception/internet I was relying on someone’s portable WiFi to contact her… But the lines died in here for a whole day. Then I went to see if I had reception… And it turns out that I hadn’t paid my phone bill and the company suspended my service, so I couldn’t call her.
I couldn’t use someone else’s phone because everyone here has the same phone company and that was the service that had collapsed/died.
By the time the service came back it was well into the night. I had some messages from people that I replied, and like the absolute worst excuse of a human being/friend forgot to talk to Jenna to apologize.
And I thought that was strike one.
I completely admit my fault. Because I don’t mind when people don’t talk to me for days on end or something like this happens, I just assume everyone is like that. And I thought I could just apologize.
Yeah, I’m a dick.
So what comes next is that this had not been strike one at all.
I got accepted to the program I applied (as I mentioned I think on Monday?) And was super excited so I told my family (since I’m here and I see everyone every day) and shared it on one WhatsApp group… Jenna was not in it because it’s about a book some friends and I read and she hasn’t. After that I talked to my cousin (this was the day she tried to kill herself which wouldn’t happen for a couple of hours) and got distracted coordinating things that needed to be done in the house.
After this I got distracted with life and my cousin who had to travel with some friends during the weekend, so we needed to convince her mom she was okay to travel/would be fine with her fiends.
So I didn’t share the news with Jenna.
And she felt very, very hurt about it because I didn’t tell her something that made me very happy.
And again, this was my fault because no could have told her right away, before life went haywire but also because a part of me wanted to wait to tell her.
And here’s where things stop making sense unless you’re me and have a million and one issues with friendship/people.
I had noticed that Jenna always looked a bit uncomfortable when we talked about going away for the Masters program. It was a lot or that shed change the topic of conversation, it just seemed like she was a bit subdued. And since I have a million and one issues, I decided trying not to bring it up on conversation with her because I don’t like making people uncomfortable.
The thing is that she applied to London and two friends and I applied to Sussex. We were all excited to talk about things but I always felt guilty, like I was leaving her behind or I don’t really know. Turns out she didn’t really care and it was just my stupid brain seeing patterns where there were none.
She was more hurt about me keeping this from her than by me going off somewhere else.
And another friend (someone on the WhatsApp group) told her about it because she was happy for me and obviously thought I didn’t fail as a functioning human being and told Jenna the news…. That was on Wednesday. And I guess Jenna spent this entire time waiting for me to tell her.
And I didn’t.
So I don’t know how it looked for her.
So now when we were talking about it (through WhatsApp) and she told me she felt really hurt. I understood. But I also went and vomited a shitton of information on her, because yet again I fail as a human.
And I don’t know, maybe I thought I was being nice by sharing all the things I’d been keeping inside these couple of days (like the thing with my cousin, my failed job interviews, etc) when in fact I probably looked like, ‘see? I’m telling you things! I’m nice and share things!’
So yeah… Not helping my case.
In the end I told her she could take all the time she needed to forgive me (she said she accepted my apology but still felt hurt and needed time to heal).
My other friend talked to me and apologized for telling Jenna about my getting in. But she shouldn’t have to!
This whole thing wasn’t her fault.
It was mine.
I would never make someone apologize for something that is my fault. Something that I knowingly did.
I’m done avoiding and pretending I’m not hurting people. Because I did that in the past and I still regret it to this day.
I’m going to give Jenna all the time she needs to forgive me, no matter how long that is.
It hurts that I made her feel that way and that I know how stupid it was of me and how easily I could have avoided it.
But I guess it would not be me if I wasn’t making messes out everything.
So yeah. I needed to get this whole thing off my chest before I exploded and started whining to someone else in here.
Like I said, no one I know reads these and I truly enjoy screaming and crying to the void that is the internet.
Thanks for letting me vent.