Hello there! I have been meaning to post something a little less intense than my first posts (because wow, I needed to get those things off my chest and I’m happy this helped) so now I’m here to wish you a Happy Thursday and reflect upon things that make me happy.
I’ve had a pretty rough couple of months and even years, and I’ve learnt a lot about myself during this time.
First of all, I’m a procrastinator (if you read my post on why I quit college you will know what I mean) and I can spend hours lost in a YouTube vortex… We’ve all thought about starting our own channel and become YouTubers…. and we don’t ever do it. (To be fair I can’t even commit to a blog, how would I ever commit to a YouTube Channel?)
Second, I adore music. There were times when I didn’t like anything at all, I was numb and lost in a haze because not feeling anything felt a lot better than feeling like crap. On those days I didn’t like anything, food, shows, books, myself, but I did like music. It was back in 2010 that I realized that listening to Darren Criss’ voice soothed me and brought my mind back to my body (Can I get a hello from the dissociative people in the room? -Not DID, though if you have DID, you are perfect and beautiful and I’m happy that you’re here, I love you-).
Third, I am queer as hell. Yeah, all of us baby queers in the world go through the “I’m an Ally and I deeply care about these issues because I am socially aware” and then the “Holy shit I might not actually be an Ally”, and finally “Hello, I’m here, I’m queer”. So hi! I’m pan….. if you ever heard about that article about people faking their mental illness you’d know I am everything that person hates, I mean:
Depression : Check!
Anxiety : Check!
Pansexuality : Check!
You are: A Special snowflake of tumblr.
Oh, Tumblr: Check!
Oh, look at me I’m Sandra Dee, depressed, scared, and sexually faaaake!!!
Okay, enough of that weirdness.
Uh, where was I?
Oh, right… facts about me… on a post talking about things that make me happy.
Why are you like that brain? Can’t you just focus on one thing?!
(Everyone who’s ever read an essay of mine knows the answer is no…. I’m still wondering how the hell I managed to pass all of my classes)
Okay, so Fourth, I love books and writing.
Fifth, I’m shit at writing and sometimes I forget to keep reading things. (I am so sorry Vampire Academy 5 in my Goodreads list…. I am so, so sorry)
And I guess five things are enough for now.
Now, getting to know myself made me aware of things that make me happy. Like music! and books! and people with similar thoughts to mine! But also, getting to know myself made me happy.
I feel like we are strangers to ourselves for so long in our lives that we just get used to not knowing who we are. Of course that we change and evolve with time, so we never really stop discovering who we are. Things that made us happy before may not work anymore (except for Darren Criss’ voice, that will pretty much always make me happy…. add Louis Tomlinson to the list, since I started liking One Direction a while ago… you know, after Zayn left and the band took a break. I never said I had good timing, okay?), and sometimes we convince ourselves that we cannot and should not like something because other people think it’s stupid or ‘not like you at all’ (*cough, cough* One Direction *cough, cough*) and you shouldn’t listen to those voices at all! Always do what is best for yourself, with the knowledge you have of yourself. If someone is going to judge you about it it’s their problem not yours, and if someone makes fun of you (in a non-loving, teasing manner even after you told them it makes you uncomfortable) then they are the assholes and you shouldn’t make yourself be around them.
Well… I only even got good at this step a while ago.
Because of a lot of factors in my life, I was very shit at friendships. I could befriend people for a while but I knew I wouldn’t miss them when they left me. Friends were just a thing that happened because you didn’t want to be alone.
I only stopped being a cynic asshole (about that particular thing. I’m still very much an asshole) like two years ago when I met my bestest friends in the world. Holy shit one of them is leaving us, to go chase her beautiful, amazing dreams in another country, and I could not be happier and sadder about that. I mean, go you! Do that thing you love and that makes you happy! But noooo I’m going to miss you so, so much!
And, to quote Hamilton’s It’s Quiet Uptown “That never used to happen before.”
So I believe in friendship and my friends make me very, very happy.
Now, happiness is not an exact science, sometimes things work, sometimes they don’t. You don’t have to be happy all the time if you can’t. Life is tough, and sad, and tiring, and no one should be happy 24/7, because that’s not healthy… we all watched Inside Out guys, sadness is good for the soul.
You need to find what works (friends, pets, books, music, that one shitty drawing you did when you were five that reminds you of easier abstract times, good coffee?) and use it whenever you need it, not because being sad is bad, or wrong but because sometimes things get to be too much and even numbness doesn’t work. And when you find what does it for you, keep looking! You are an ever changing work of art!, wherever you look at there’s more to be discovered. Get to know yourself and others, explore the world, find new things, and rest whenever you need to.
And when things get to be too much, don’t be afraid of sadness or anxiety, don’t be afraid of yourself or of reaching out. You are not weak, you are beautiful and amazing, and you already made it this far when maybe you thought you wouldn’t. You have already won so many battles against the world and yourself. You are a winner! And I am so proud of you!
So keep on living, keep being weird, and alive and having all of these complex emotions. And if you ever need time, space, quiet, to vent to someone who will not judge, let me know, and I will let you do that, because I get it and I care, and most importantly, I love you.
Ps: if someone wants to comment this post to share the things that make them happy, so we can all discover new things, you are always welcome to do it. We can even compile them all on a list later on.